Tuesday, October 25, 2016
I keep thinking of things to write about between weekly pregnancy updates then not doing it.
Part of that is because having once had a big blustery commercial blog I'm loving this sweet little pared down version that really only appeals to people who know us I think, and because it is a sweet little pared down personal blog I have no compulsion to be 'doing it right' or worrying about how often I post or any of that other stuff. I'm just tinkering around having fun in between my real life and that suits me pretty great right now.
So 27 weeks. It's like my body read the guidebook on pregnancy and went third trimester hey? Lets see how many ways we can make this uncomfortable. And there are lots of ways. Many many ways.
Zoey and I recorded episode 28 of the Operation Move podcast this morning and we were talking a bit about ways to love your body right now how it is instead of spending your days thinking about when you reach goal weight, or when you hit that PB, or when you look like someone else, or in my case after the baby comes. It's way easier said than done though, especially when you're dealing with physical discomfort or even pain. I'm working on it constantly. I love watching my belly bounce and pop, and I feel like I look pretty normal for a 27 week pregnant 40 year old woman. In that sense it's all good. But the increasing SPD pain, the inability to walk very much like I was a few weeks ago and the arrhythmia can pretty much get stuffed.
I'm caught in this weird thought cycle of 'oh I never imagined I'd be doing this again, and what a huge blessing, and I can't wait to meet her' interspersed with 'OH FFS OUCH THAT HURTS'. Fun times.
I read a thing this morning that said pregnancy past the age of 35 is like going to war with your body. And while I think women should have babies whenever and however they like and are able to, having had four babies before I was 35 and being 40 now I am feeling every single minute of my age. I'll be doing something and suddenly find myself lying down. It's like my bed is magnetic and I cannot resist. I could sleep for 12 hours (hahaha no I couldn't I have four kids) and it would not be enough.
What I AM feeling super grateful for already is that fiance (still getting used to that!) will have a fortnight of paternity leave when she is born and we can start as we mean to go on in this new parenting chapter in terms of equality and partnership, both in how we raise and care for our little girl, and in terms of keeping our big, busy household running. It's how we work already, and I don't ever take it for granted. I can't wait for this baby to become part of our everyday lives. And get out of my body. That will be great.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Far out a lot can happen in a week hey?
I was meant to walk the 10k at Melb Mara over the weekend and spent a lot of last week umming and ahhing about it. For a couple of weeks now I've been having to stop and breathe through some intense Braxton Hicks every time I go for a walk. It's kind of stressful to be honest, they're increasing in pain and reminding me that labour isn't a whole lot of fun. I had a fortnight or so of prodromal labour with both of my younger children before fairly short, intense active labours. I had this crazy idea that having gotten really fit and healthy between my last child and this one that maybe I'd just cruise through the pregnancy and have a 'normal' labour experience. Apparently quantity carries more weight (boom tish) than quality when it comes to growing babies for me though... I can't even think about what that means for afterpains this time around.
The other thing that has really been slowing me down is the onset of symphysis pubis dysfunction. Ugh. For anyone who hasn't experienced this (lucky you!) basically my pelvis is starting to shift and get a bit unstable and wonky. For now it means sharp lightning bolts of pain through my pelvis and hips. I can deal with that, but am not looking forward to the increasing immobility as I get bigger. Yep, been there done that on this one too. Small price, blah blah. I'd just like to be able to keep moving a bit longer but clearly that means cutting down distance dramatically and hoping to manage shorter walks more often for as long as I can.
So anyway, what all this means is that I had to think about what I was hoping to achieve and for who's benefit, and in the end I decided to opt out due to all those physical factors along with the fact that we have lots of other things to juggle going on behind the scenes too. The logistics of our lives are never simple.
TL;DR. Didn't go for a long walk. The end.
Aside from that, I'm now in double digits to EDD which is exciting. I turned 40 on the weekend. And the best guy in the world asked me to marry him - but that's a story for another day.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Best bits: I can SEE her kicking and carrying on from the outside now. Trying to catch it on video but she's cheeky. Just like her siblings already ;)
Worst bits: Still stupid mofo reflux. At my wits end. Any tips for relief? Even the strongest OTC meds are doing nothing and it is so horrible and gross.
The week where apparently you finally take a moment to catch your breath and think HOLY MOLY a baby is coming and it is probably time to start organising some stuff!
We've had an intensely busy few months. Preparing a property for sale. A wedding. A family holiday. Choosing colours and having an endless back and forth with the builders of our new home. Plus parenting four busy children. Hectic!
I feel like I've kind of been hanging in there to reach the wedding weekend which has just past - the event that would bookend some massively overscheduled months. And it has, if I don't think about the work still to be done to get the other house on the market and the things coming up this weekend and and and.
But I'm going to have to start giving a bit more mental energy to this new girl who is taking up so much of my physical energy right now.
I never thought it was possible, but between my youngest child (who turns 6 very soon) and now I feel like I have forgotten EVERYTHING. A women posted in my online pregnancy group about buying maternity pads this week and I had a total OMG THEY ARE A THING AND I WILL NEED THEM moment.
And breast pads - please tell me they've improved since the dinner plate sized ones I used last time??
We have a pram, change table, breast pump and baby monitor on layby and the cot that my oldest baby slept in is on it's way back at some stage pretty soon.
We have some odds and ends clothing wise. I have a big box of newborn nappies, and my little girl found some baby toys at Nanna's place on the weekend that she insisted on bringing home for her new sister because she is delightful like that.
I know there's a whole lot of nice to have as opposed to NEED with a new baby. Heck my last two didn't even have bedrooms and this new one will have what is currently our laundry overflow and storage room if I get around to sorting things out. It's all good, I know that.
But I'd also love to know what your BEST baby investment was, and what you wish you hadn't spent your hard earned money on? Come tell me over at Facebook. Curious minds need to know.
Monday, October 3, 2016
The kids have gone back to school today after a happy, busy, exhausting couple of weeks off.
I miss them and I'm happy that Term 4 has started. It is super quiet which is great and weird all at once. School lunches though. Ugh. Bain Marie of my life Kimmy.
I'm 24 weeks pregnant this week. Longest. Pregnancy. Evah.
Word of the week is tired - as it has been for a while now but having found out that my iron levels aren't where they should be I'm really hoping that the supps I've started taking will give me a bit of a lift. Third trimester is just around the corner and I have an insane amount of stuff to get done before I get too unwieldy to do it. Feeling buggered needs to bugger off pronto.
I seem to have reached that weird point where your centre of gravity shifts but it's like your brain hasn't caught on yet. My coordination is hardly award winning at the best of times. Combined with a propensity towards randomly tipping over, I'm beginning to think I need to invest in knee and elbow pads. Funny how towards the end you are super aware of the enormity of belly and are conscientious about keeping balance, but in this in between stage you're just trying to squeeze through impossible spaces (to the great amusement of your kids) and bouncing off things. Or maybe that's just me...
She's super active, our new baby. I do that thing where you gaze endlessly at your navel of an evening and laugh as bits move and poke out and bump around. It is definitely the very best bit of being pregnant - surreal but cool. I never thought I would experience that again so I am soaking it up and trying to ignore the less happy bits.
Our baby is the size of a ruler, as my little girl would tell you. She is obsessed with how big our baby is and asks me nearly every day. Our baby weighs around 500g. We've reached the stage of viability which feels a bit milestonesque, and makes me think about how very long we have to go still and what a miracle it is that some babies born this early can survive.
Best bits: baby kicks and still being able to walk long distances with minimal discomfort - my head is even more grateful than my legs.
Worst bits: reflux is bullshit. Srsly. Who invented that?
I have this rad idea that I'd like to post each week about how things are going, for the 7 of you who are interested. I'm opening a book on how long that lasts given my reknowned pitiful attention span. Any takers?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
I posted this one on Insta last week while I was away on hols.
I chose my words carefully as I am wont to do. I worry about being misunderstood, or upsetting one of the women I love for whom pregnancy isn't an option, or all sorts of other things.
I am spectacularly good at self censorship.
This week in an online due-in group I am a part of, a woman asked if she was alone in her feelings of unhappiness in her changing body.
She isn't, but I noticed that everyone including me was very quick to temper their responses with comments around it all being worth it, it's a short time for a huge reward etc. Just like I've done up there really.
And it feels like the underlying, unspoken feeling is one of fear and guilt... Fear that someone will assume a resentment of the baby, guilt for having these feelings about our bodies when we should instead be entirely thankful for the miracle of life no matter what the perceived personal sacrifice.
Because that's what motherhood is, and it starts from conception right? A sacrifice of self for the child. Martyrhood is what we should be aspiring too, and if we dare voice disappointment or sadness or discomfort we are being selfish and so the mother-guilt begins.
From the moment the world becomes aware of your pregnancy everyone else knows better than you what you should be doing. You should not be having a glass of wine. You should be buying all the right things. You should not eat ham/cheese/ice cream. You should exercise for 30 minutes three times per week. You should not put on too much weight. You should put on more weight than you have.
It is exhausting. At a time when you are already at your most exhausted.
I would like to believe that the majority of women are not stupid. That they make educated, measured decisions for their bodies and their babies without the need to be lectured or patronised. That they listen to their care providers and make good choices for THEMSELVES even when those choices may not be the ones their mother-in-laws, friends or possibly even partners would make.
And I think it is okay to say that pregnancy sucks, because for many of us it does.
For me personally, pregnancy means a likelihood of antenatal depression and anxiety. These things suck.
It also means that the body I worked incredibly hard for over the past few years and had come to love for its abilities has been lost in a roadmap of stretch marks, diminished muscle mass and an inability to do the things that I love so much - run and lift.
I think it is okay for me to mourn those losses. I can do that with zero resentment for the daughter I am carrying. She rolls around and wakes me up at night already and I feel like I know her and I love her so much. She is a blessing, felt even more keenly as the due dates for the babies we lost have passed by over the last few months.
I know what is coming. I can't wait to see her face and to hold her.
But I feel heavy and tired. My face gets puffy and my fingers swell up. I get itchy. My skin is blotchy and the legs that ran 42kms a couple of years ago feel like lead by the early afternoon.
I'm a mother, but I am a person as well. It took me years and years to find a peace between the two when I had my older children, and to be perfectly honest I think I made sacrifices in the name of being a 'good mum' that not only didn't particularly benefit my children but actively damaged my self esteem and my relationships. Hindsight is a fine thing.
I love my children. I am a great Mum. Our new baby is lucky to be joining our family and will be so intensely loved and adored. But I don't enjoy 90% of what pregnancy entails and that is okay. Wanting to maintain a relationship with my partner beyond that of co-parenting isn't selfish - it's crucial. Putting myself first is important, and my kids are the ones who benefit when I stop trying to be some sort of supermum and go back to just being Kate. Kate is enough.
I've been a parent for 13 years. I get a whole lot of things wrong all the time.
I'm doing fine.
You are too.