This is one of the hardest posts I will ever write. I spent a long time committing myself to doing it, and to be honest I feel a little sick about hitting publish.
I {heart} my body, but I have not always done so and the residue of my extreme lack of body love lingers.
I had an eating disorder for nearly ten years. In my teens and early twenties I spent hours looking at my (perfectly normal) body and picking out all the millions of flaws.
Such was my self consciousness that I didn't wear bathers in public for many years. I was convinced that everyone would be looking at me and passing judgement as harshly as I did myself. Even now stripping down to bathers in a public place makes my breath catch and my heart race.
A few years ago a woman made an offhand comment about 'not standing next to Kate in bathers'. It was maybe a weird backhand compliment, maybe more indicative of her own body issues. It certainly was a verbalisation of a fairly common misconception... That those leaner women amongst us must be so confident in their bodies that they need to be judged and cut down to size. The fact that I remember the comment and the accompanying feeling of self revulsion and embarrassment so clearly five years later would indicate that size has nothing to do with self love.
When I see photos of my teenage self now I could weep for that girl, and more than anything I want my children to grow up with a healthy respect and love for their bodies. And that has to start with me.
This is what my 35 year old body looks like.
My entire body shape has changed since having children. I have pouchy skin on my belly, not surprising having grown four babies within. My legs are thinner than they used to be... a different shape altogether. I suspect that's partly age and partly due to tandem breastfeeding... I expect I'll put on quite a bit of weight when the baby eventually weans and I'm kind of looking forward to that. I feel so pointy sometimes.
I have been breastfeeding for more than 8 years straight and how my breasts look reflects this.
I have lumps and bumps and saggy skin and wrinkles and bits I don't like and bits I hide and bits that I wish I had appreciated more when they were younger.
But I {heart} my body. I {heart} it because it has grown and nurtured my children. I {heart} it because it is moving all day every day to keep up with them. I {heart} that I do not feel the need to starve it to feel in control any more. I {heart} that these arms will comfort my babies when they need me and that they can find solace on my lap.
I may not always like my body parts individually... I am a product of this society too.
But I am amazed at what this body can do.
I'm stepping way out of my comfort zone and joining in I {heart} My Body 2011 at We {heart} Life. Follow the link and help celebrate real bodies in all their shapes and sizes.
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