Hindsight

I've had cause to cast my mind back a bit of late.

In particular I've been remembering my pregnancy and early days with my Little Mate.

I don't do pregnancy well. I whinge and moan and carry on and think it is the most revolting and painful thing imaginable. I do however love babies and children, and that is the way I grew them so I tried to suck it up as best I could.

There are things that were noticeably different with my Little Mate though, things that I now wonder weren't maybe a sign of what was to come. Hindsight is a fine thing.

In all my pregnancies I became a bit of a hermit, but with that boy I was even more so. I found it hard to spend time with even my closest friends and just wanted to be alone. I commented to someone that maybe the baby was going to be an extreme introvert and was exerting his personality over me from in utero. When I think of that conversation now, I know that extreme introvert doesn't even go close! Who knows if there was something at play there that cannot be explained.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant I spent a night in hospital after having signs of early labour. Everything settled down again but it really threw me. For the next five weeks I walked around like I had a bowling ball between my legs, and that was what it felt like too. He was fully engaged and I was 3+ centimetres dilated for all of that time. Uncomfortable is the greatest understatement of all time! He had a very impressive conehead to show for it once he was out as well.

He was born in hospital after a short and intense labour. I had a wonderful midwife who had done home visits with me throughout the pregnancy and who I trusted, even when she told me he was going to be born soon and I could do it (whilst I yelled for drugs that I didn't really want and cried that he was never going to come out). He was born with the cord loosely around his neck (as were all but my youngest) but unlike the others he did not breathe immediately. He was born blue and took a minute or so of rubbing to help him start breathing. He pinked up quickly and was fine after that, but of course now I wonder if that minute didn't play its part in where he is now.

The problem with hindsight is sometimes I am looking for answers to questions that are, in fact, unanswerable. Sure there are things that may have impacted on other things, but I've no way of ever knowing exactly what or how. I will always wonder though...

Do you look back and wonder?