Frozen

I get up every morning. Not because I want to, but because I must.

I feed my children. I try to remember to feed myself. I do the laundry. I tidy the house. I vacuum. I cook meals. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

I kiss and cuddle my children and tell them that I love them. I do, so very much.

And I wonder if this is all there is.


I don't know if it is because I never envisioned having a four year old who is for the most part on a par with his nearly two year old sister.

I dont know if it is because like the true extrovert I am, I absorb the energies around me and this last time has been the tipping point.

I don't know if it is because I am so very tired all the time. My boy wakes many times every night. My body is used to it but my mind is not.


I only know that this time all the positive self talk in the world has not been enough. That the return of the sun has not pulled me out of my Winter slump. That the warmth on my skin doesn't penetrate to my soul any more.

I am frozen. Operating on autopilot and waiting for it to get better. 

Some days are so good that I think it has passed, this melancholy in my soul.  But it lingers at the edges of my consciousness, a shadow darkening even those bright times.

I am okay. I will be okay. I have sought support and found it and I am grateful for that.

But right now I just want Spring to bloom in my heart as it is all around me.